“U Avail?”

Or, What Not to Say to an Escort — A Guide to Client Awesomeness

(Complete with pictures!)

First off, shout out to all the amazing clients I’ve met over the years, many of whom have become dear friends and mentors. You have all provided me with wonderful experiences and fond memories I will cherish always, some of which I may not have had otherwise. (B, here’s to you for that Formula 1 trip!).

This is a letter to all the would-be clients out there, the ones neither I, nor my colleagues, have yet to get pleasantly acquainted with. We want you to have a top-notch, grade-A fantastic time when meeting us. We know you are awesome; you may just need a little help getting there. This guide will show you how.

1) Read the website.

For the love of all things horny, read our websites. Please. We assure you that the majority of pertinent information you have questions on can be answered by having a look through our sites. The majority of escorts include photos, rates, etiquette, a description of them, their screening requirements, and other helpful things on their websites. By reading the website before contacting an escort, you save everyone time and effort. And we love you for it!

2) Do not negotiate.

When contacting an escort, please don’t attempt to negotiate on their screening protocols or rates. These are set for a reason. Arguing with us over these things is a huge turn off and makes us not want to see you. If you’re viewing an escort and the rates and screening are not within your limits, simply move on and find someone else. Simple!

As a second note on screening, there’s really no need to tell them you’re an “attractive white male” or any other qualifier or ethnicity — unless (unfortunately) they have particular restrictions on this sort of thing; which you would know if you read the website.

He did his part.

3) Be nice and play by the rules.

Above all, be respectful during your communications and your date with an escort. If an escort says they do not discuss services, don’t ask for a menu. If they specifically state restrictions, respect those limits. After reading through an escort’s website (see #1 above) you should have an idea of what this person is like. And if not, why not check out their twitter account to get to know someone even better?

4) Keep up your end of the bargain.

This means honouring the agreed-upon donation and keeping an eye on the time. A two-hour appointment is two hours, door to door. Trying to stick around for longer to chit chat or freshen up can pose an inconvenience for your companion as they may have other appointments following yours. Often hotels and incall spaces have clocks in full view, so pay attention. Regarding the donation, it’s always best to get the business side of things out of the way before the fun begins. Ensure the donation is plainly visible upon arrival, in an envelope, card or gift. Please do not have your companion ask you for the donation or ask you to leave the appointment. Not everyone is comfortable with this and making them do so can be awkward. After a fun date, no one wants awkwardness! Business up front; party in the back!

5) Avoid these comments and questions.

Part of an escort’s role is to provide a chance for you to relax and unwind, and maybe play out a fantasy or two. But asking deeply personal questions, comments about other escorts or clients, and certain questions around the industry can be uncomfortable. You may think you’re making conversation, but an escort may feel you’re encroaching on their privacy. For a good time, avoid asking things like:

“What’s your real name/birthday? Are you married? What does your boyfriend think of this? Do you have kids?”

“Tell me about some of your clients.”

“I’ve seen <insert escort name here>, and they <insert gossip here>. What do you think of that?”

“Do you have a job?”

“Do you like doing this?”

“You’re just doing this for the money, aren’t you?”

“Wow, you’re really smart.”

“Can we have a date off the clock?”

“Do you find me attractive?”

“You think I’m <insert negative comment here> don’t you?”

6) Wash your ass. And everything else.

Yes. Wash it. And everything else down there. Pull back your foreskin (if you have it) and wash underneath it. Soap up your hands nice and foamy and scrub every bit of skin between your anus and your balls. Put some soap on your finger and stick it in your ass, too. No, this will not make you gay. But it will make you clean, and if you expect someone to put their mouth around there, then make sure it’s sparkly as fuck beforehand. Take any and all opportunities to freshen up before you hop into bed. If they offer a shower, take one. If they offer mouthwash, use it. Use deodorant. Cologne is optional, but don’t overdo it.

And finally…

Just be a decent human being. Respect and common courtesy go a long way, and even longer on a date with an escort. Do your part and we will repay you in spades.

Connect with me online!

Twitter — @lafemmeisobel

Website — IsobelAndrews.com

Email — lafemmeisobel@protonmail.com

Toronto-based sex worker, entrepreneur, law student and all-round sassy babe. Follow me on twitter at @lafemmeisobel or visit my site at www.isobelandrews.com